"I wish that for just one time you could stand inside my shoes. You'd know what a drag it is to see you."
-- Bob Dylan (positively 4th St)

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."

-- Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with
great pleasure."

-- Clarence Darrow

"I have had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."

-- Groucho Marx

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I
approved of it."

-- Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."

-- Oscar Wilde

" I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."

-- Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man who worships his creator."

-- John Bright

"I just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."

-- Irvin S. Cobb

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to
the dictionary."

-- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play. Bring
a friend -- if you have one."

-- From George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night. Will attend second night -- if
there is one."

-- Churchill's response to Shaw

"He is not only dull himself -- he is the cause of dullness in others."

-- Samuel Jackson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."

-- Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy."

-- Walter Kerr

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."

-- Mae West

"Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee."

-- Lady Astor, to Winston Churchill, at a dinner party:

"Madam, if I were your husband, I would drink it."

-- Churchill's reply to Lady Astor


Maintained by Alan Silverstein, ajs@ajs.fc.hp.com
Last update: 930527
Total entries: 313

A compendium of insults and "not all there" comments from various sources, beginning with rec.humor, April 1987.

Criteria: Humorousness; uniqueness of essence (minimize redundancy); brevity; consistency; avoid gender bias, ethnic slurs, and other really offensive material; keep in sorted order with correct spelling and grammar.

To count entries, run the rest through:
tab=' '; sed "/^$tab[ $tab]/d" | wc -l

  1. $HOME = /dev/null.
  2. A 10K brain attached to a 9600 baud mouth.
  3. A brain like a BB in a boxcar.
  4. A day late and a dollar short.
  5. A few beers short of a six-pack / a six-pack short of a case.
  6. A few bombs/bricks short of a full load.
  7. A few clowns short of a circus.
  8. A few french fries short of a Happy Meal.
  9. A few open splices.
  10. A few peas short of a casserole.
  11. A few pickles short of a jar.
  12. A few planes short of an Air Force.
  13. A few revisions behind.
  14. A few sandwiches short of a picnic.
  15. A few screws loose.
  16. A few tiles missing from his space shuttle.
  17. A few tiles short of a successful re-entry.
  18. A few volts below threshold.
  19. A few yards short of the hole.
  20. A flying buttress short of a cathedral.
  21. A kangaroo loose in her top paddock.
  22. A little light in his loafers.
  23. A looney tune.
  24. A modest little person, with much to be modest about. -- Churchill
  25. A notch off the timing mark.
  26. A one-bit brain with a parity error.
  27. A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on.
  28. A quart low.
  29. A return with no gosub.
  30. A room temperature IQ.
  31. A victim of retroactive birth control.
  32. All booster -- no payload.
  33. All crown -- no filling.
  34. All his eggs in the same basket.
  35. All the lights don't shine in her marquis.
  36. All the sex appeal of a wet paper bag.
  37. Always in the right place, but at the wrong time.
  38. Always sharpening his sleeping skills.
  39. An 8080 in a 68000 environment.
  40. An ego like a black hole.
  41. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
  42. An expert on the historical significance of cottage cheese.
  43. As bright as a nightlight / small appliance bulb / tulip bulb.
  44. As quick as a corpse.
  45. As sharp as a marble / bowling ball / pin head / bowl of Jello, and twice as smart.
  46. As smart as bait.
  47. As thick as two short planks.
  48. Attic's a little dusty.
  49. Back burners not fully operating.
  50. Bad spot on the disk.
  51. Bats in the belfry.
  52. Been napping in front of the ion shield again.
  53. Been playing with his wand too much.
  54. Been playing with the pharmacy section again.
  55. Been short on oxygen one time too many.
  56. Been using her head as a mass driver.
  57. Blew his O-rings.
  58. Blew the hatch before the lock sealed.
  59. Born a day late and like that ever since.
  60. Born ugly and built to last.
  61. Both oars in the water, but on the same side of the boat.
  62. Bright as Alaska in December.
  63. Bubbles in her think tank.
  64. CPU not connected to the bus.
  65. Caboose seems to be pulling the engine.
  66. Calling her stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
  67. Can be outwitted by a jar of Marshmallow Fluff.
  68. Car's only got three wheels, and one's going flat.
  69. Carries a tire gauge in her purse.
  70. Chimney's clogged.
  71. Clock doesn't have all its numbers.
  72. Collects cards for Craig.
  73. Contributes to the population problem.
  74. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
  75. Cursor's flashing but there's no response.
  76. Diarrhea of the mouth; constipation of the ideas.
  77. Does aerobics... in his head.
  78. Does everything the hard way, like making love standing up in a hammock.
  79. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash / cups in the cupboard /
  80. groceries in the same bag.
  81. Doesn't have all the dots on his dice / pens in her plotter.
  82. Doesn't have both oars in the water.
  83. Doesn't have two neurons to rub together.
  84. Doesn't know which side the toast is buttered on.
  85. Doesn't quite sample at the Nyquist rate.
  86. Donated her body to science... before she was done using it.
  87. Downhill skiing in Iowa.
  88. Driving with two wheels in the sand.
  89. Dropped his second stage too soon.
  90. Dumb as a stump / sack of hammers.
  91. Dumber than a chicken / box of hair/rocks.
  92. Easier to count the bricks left than the bricks missing.
  93. Echoes between the ears.
  94. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor / penthouse.
  95. Elevator goes all the way to the top but the door doesn't open.
  96. End of season sale at the cerebral department. -- Gareth Blackstock
  97. Finds a flat by swapping tires.
  98. Fired from McDonald's for having a short attention span.
  99. Fired her retro-rockets a little late.
  100. Flying/landing on one engine.
  101. Folds ace plus red jack hand when playing blackjack.
  102. Forgot to pay his brain bill.
  103. Four cents short of a nickel.
  104. Fruity as a nutcake.
  105. Full throttle, dry tank.
  106. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
  107. Gavel doesn't quite hit the bench.
  108. Gets hypnotized on the despun section.
  109. Gyros are loose.
  110. Had a head crash.
  111. Half a bubble off plumb. -- attributed to Mark Twain
  112. Hard to tell if he has an ace up his sleeve or if the ace is missing from his deck altogether.
  113. Has a few wait states.
  114. Has a full six-pack but lacks the plastic thing to hold them together.
  115. Has a leak in his ceiling.
  116. Has a one-way ticket on the Disoriented Express.
  117. Has a slow clock.
  118. Has all her bricks, but no cement holding them together.
  119. Has his solar panels aimed at the moon.
  120. Has it floored in neutral.
  121. Has no discretionary intellect.
  122. Has no upper stage.
  123. Has signs on both ears saying "Space for Rent".
  124. Has the Grand Canyon under the crew cut.
  125. Has the IQ of a salad bar / ice cube.
  126. Has the attention span of an overripe grapefruit.
  127. Has the brains of a house plant.
  128. Has the mental agility of a soap dish.
  129. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
  130. Hasn't got all his china in the cupboard.
  131. Hasn't got the brains God gave a cat.
  132. He's diagnosable.
  133. He's in, but he's out to lunch.
  134. Her dialing thumb must be broken.
  135. Her memory is truly random-access.
  136. Her mere presence causes parity errors, power fails, and head crashes.
  137. Her synapses are about *that* far apart.
  138. Her tires are a little low.
  139. Hid behind the door when they passed out brains.
  140. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
  141. His buffer is full.
  142. His elevator is stuck between floors.
  143. His head whistles in a cross wind.
  144. His mind is on vacation but his mouth is working overtime.
  145. His picture is in the dictionary under "zero".
  146. His puzzle is missing a few pieces.
  147. His seat back is not in the full upright position.
  148. His system administrator is never in.
  149. I'd like to buy him for what he's worth and sell him for what he thinks he's worth.
  150. If brains were bird droppings, he'd have a clean cage.
  151. If brains were dynamite, she wouldn't have enough to blow her nose.
  152. If brains were gasoline, he wouldn't have enough to drive a dinky car around the inside of a cheerio.
  153. If brains were lard, he'd be hard pressed to grease a small pan.
  154. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
  155. If brains were water, hers wouldn't be enough to baptize a flea.
  156. If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
  157. If he had brains, he'd take them out and play with them.
  158. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
  159. If her brains were put in a hummingbird, it would fly backwards.
  160. If his IQ was two points higher he'd be a rock.
  161. If she was any dumber, she'd be a green plant.
  162. If they knock heads, implosion will suck all the air out of the room.
  163. If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's practically invulnerable.
  164. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change back.
  165. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
  166. In need of a ROM upgrade.
  167. In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy store.
  168. Infinite space between her ears.
  169. Informationally deprived.
  170. Intellectually challenged.
  171. Knitting with only one needle.
  172. Left hand threaded.
  173. Left his booster on the launch pad.
  174. Left the store without all of his groceries.
  175. Lights are on but nobody's home.
  176. Lights not burning too bright.
  177. Like a loose-leaf folder in winter.
  178. Little red choo-choo's gone chugging 'round the bend /
  179. jumped the track.
  180. Living proof that nature does not abhor a vacuum.
  181. Long on dry wall, short on studs.
  182. Loose chip on the microprocessor board.
  183. Loose wire to his headset/ringer.
  184. Low on thinking gas.
  185. Lugnuts rattling in the hubcaps.
  186. Mainspring's wound too tight.
  187. Metronome needs oil.
  188. Mind like a steel sieve.
  189. Mind like a steel trap -- everything gets mangled / full of mice /
  190. nothing in, nothing out / rusted shut.
  191. Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
  192. Missing a few catalog cards / gears / marbles.
  193. Missing a layer of insulation in his attic.
  194. Mouth is in gear, brain is in neutral.
  195. Needs another brain to make half-wit.
  196. Needs both hands to wipe his behind.
  197. Nice house but not much furniture.
  198. Nine pence in the shilling.
  199. Nineteen cents short of a paradigm.
  200. No one at the throttle.
  201. No wind in her mind's windmills.
  202. Not digging in the same ditch with the rest of us.
  203. Not enough sense to come in out of the rain.
  204. Not enough sense to stay out in the rain (like a 60's flower child).
  205. Not firing on all four/six/eight cylinders.
  206. Not hard-docked.
  207. Not playing with / dealing from a full deck (-- not even in the game).
  208. Not running on full thrusters.
  209. Not the full quid.
  210. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
  211. Not wrapped too tight.
  212. Nothing between the stethoscopes.
  213. Number 'n a hake. (New England expression; a notoriously stupid fish.)
  214. Nutty as a fruitcake.
  215. Off his rocker.
  216. Oil doesn't reach his dipstick.
  217. On the batting end of a no-hitter.
  218. One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl.
  219. One bit short of a byte.
  220. One board short of a porch.
  221. One boot stuck in the sand.
  222. One bun short of a dozen.
  223. One hot pepper short of an enchilada.
  224. One marble shy of a full deck.
  225. One sentence short of a paragraph.
  226. One shade short of a rainbow.
  227. One shingle shy of a roof.
  228. One side short of a pentagon.
  229. One step short of the attic.
  230. One taco short of a combination plate.
  231. One tree short of a hammock.
  232. One weight short of a shipwreck.
  233. Only one oar in the water.
  234. Only playing with 51 cards.
  235. Only playing with the jokers.
  236. Operating in stand-by mode.
  237. Ought to have a warning label on his forehead.
  238. Over the rainbow.
  239. Overruns above 110 baud.
  240. Paged/swapped out.
  241. Paralyzed from the neck up.
  242. Parked his head and forgot where he left it.
  243. Pins 2 and 3 (RS-232) permanently connected to ground.
  244. Playing Scrabble, but we can't figure out what words he's building.
  245. Playing baseball with a rubber bat.
  246. Playing hockey with a warped puck.
  247. Plays pinochle with a poker deck.
  248. Plays solitaire... for cash.
  249. Posts empty articles to Usenet -- and enjoys rereading them later.
  250. Pressure's up, but there's a slow leak somewhere.
  251. Puts a finger in his ear so the draft through his head isn't annoying.
  252. Racing fifty yards with a pregnant woman, he'd come in third.
  253. Reading from an empty/blank/unformatted disk.
  254. Reads Homer in the original Greek, but doesn't know Greek.
  255. Receiver is off the hook.
  256. Renewable energy source for hot air balloons.
  257. Reset line is glitching.
  258. Result of a first cousin marriage.
  259. Running at 300 baud.
  260. Running on empty.
  261. Runs squares around the competition.
  262. S p a c e d o u t .
  263. Sailboat fuel for brains.
  264. Sat under the ozone hole too long.
  265. Sending back packets, but the checksums are wrong.
  266. Seven seconds behind, and built to stay that way.
  267. Several nuts short of a full pouch.
  268. She wears a pony tail to cover up the valve stem.
  269. Short a few cards.
  270. Short-circuited between the earphones.
  271. Skating on the wrong side of the ice.
  272. Skylight leaks a little.
  273. Slept too close to his radium-dial watch.
  274. Slinky's kinked.
  275. Sloppy as a soup sandwich.
  276. Smoke doesn't make it to the top of his chimney.
  277. So fat that people jump over him rather than go around.
  278. So slow he has to speed up to stop.
  279. Solid concrete from the eyebrows backwards.
  280. Some bugs in his software.
  281. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
  282. Someone blew out his pilot light.
  283. Someone else is doing the driving for that boy.
  284. Someone let the air out of her lock.
  285. Source code is missing a few lines.
  286. Surfing in Nebraska.
  287. Swimming in the shallow end of the gene pool.
  288. Switch is on, but no one's receiving.
  289. Teflon brain -- nothing sticks.
  290. The best part of him ran down his mother's legs. -- Jackie Gleason
  291. The cheese slid off his cracker.
  292. The going got weird, and he turned pro.
  293. The twinkle in his eyes is actually the sun shining between his ears.
  294. Thick as a brick.
  295. Thinks at 5 baud.
  296. Too many birds on her antenna.
  297. Too much yardage between the goal posts.
  298. Top paddock is full of rocks.
  299. Toys in the attic.
  300. Train of thought derailed / still boarding at the station.
  301. Traveling faster than light, but left his sneakers behind.
  302. Trying out for the javelin retrieval team.
  303. Two bits shy of a word.
  304. Two inches taller than spherical.
  305. Two saucers short of a tea-service.
  306. Unclear which of Newton's three laws of motion keeps his ears apart.
  307. Using a 1S-2D floppy for brains in a world of hard disks.
  308. Vacancy on the top floor.
  309. Vertically-fornicated mind.
  310. Was napping in the nut pile the day God was cracking nuts.
  311. Wasn't abused as a child, but should have been.
  312. Wasn't strapped in during launch.
  313. With one more neuron he'd have a synapse.
  314. Would make an excellent illustration in a proctology textbook.
  315. Zero K memory